Make Room

Codependency- Lack of knowing your Godly Identity

A Biblical Lens

I am glad you came to join me. Come on here in the blog room y'all. We're here to Break The Pact. What is the pact?  It is pushing past the adult residuals of childhood sexual abuse, cutting out the occult, secret societies, new age, witchcraft and cult like influences, combatting codependency by God Love Recovery, taking back your power from toxic psychologically and emotionally abusive relationships and finally dedicating your life to Christ and submitting to a discipled journey. We Break the Pact by providing you with Biblical solutions.

Making Room is something that Pact Breakers must do in order to emerge, bloom, flourish and lead a life that God designed and created for them.  You might ask what is making room and why is it so important?  The Bible tells us that a man’s gifts will make room for him. It is important for you to know that the Lord will make room for you. The Bible further says that your gifts will bring you before great men.  (Proverbs 18:16-17) People, places and environments that try to hinder your unique God given gifts and talents are enemies of your purpose. You too can be an enemy of your purpose when you don’t know who you are. Today we are going to kick the walls down of one of the many pieces of codependency that can keep us hindered, stuck and stagnated.

Today we are going to talk about how not knowing, acknowledging and walking confidently in your God identity can keep you stuck, stagnated and hindered.  Find out how being in environments with those who are jealous or envious of your gifts and talents can harm you and ultimately won’t allow you to flourish and grow in your God purpose. Learn what to do when you find yourself in the predicament of not knowing your unique gifts and talents and what to do if you find yourself in places that won’t make room for your God identity.

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Our God Identity is a huge topic. It covers many areas and we will not cover everything as it relates to our God identity today. However, today we will begin peeling the layers of our Godly identity by exploring one part of our Godly identity; identifying our unique gifts and talents, acknowledging them, not apologizing for them, and ensuring that we are in spaces that make room for who we are in Christ. We will learn how to identify enemies of our unique gifts and talents and see how those that are intolerant of our unique God stamp are really linked to being enemies of our purpose. Let’s look at your problem of identity today from a Biblical lens.

Codependency is a huge area that has emerged with many definitions. Many experts have weighed in on its causes, how it shows up and how to overcome its barriers. I want to begin by diving in and bringing some definition to the word codependency as well as share with you what the Lord has shared with me are some huge spiritual roots that have allowed codependency to show up and take over our lives. I also want to be clear that we should never call ourselves something that the Lord does not call us. Although you may be showing up in ways that the world labels as “codependent”; you my friend are a child of God and must align yourself with everything that our Heavenly Father says you are. It’s time to break free from traits that keep us bound.

Melanie Beattie, an author who has written many books about Codependency, defines it as a psychological condition that manifests in relationships, characterized by a strong desire for approval and an unhealthy attachment to a controlling or manipulative person. She explains codependency as an emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that emerges from one’s extended exposure to and even practice of an oppressive rule set.

Ross Rosenberg also weighs in on the definition.  He is noted as a codependent/narcissist, trauma and sex love addiction expert. Rosenberg is also a psychotherapist. He is the author of the book, The Human Magnet Syndrome. He does international trainings and has an interesting website that you can check out. (selfloverecovery.com)

His definition of codependency details it as a psychological condition that is manifested in relationships. He says, codependents give a great deal more love, care and respect to others than they expect and request and ultimately receive. He goes on to say that even though codependents are resentful and angry about love, respect and care inequality, they do not terminate these empty relationships.

When we begin to see ourselves in these kinds of relationships, we can be sure there are some huge spiritual holes. Imagine having such a gaping spiritual hole that only God can fill. Imagine having a spiritual hole and you don’t even know that the hole is there. Let’s take a look at some of the traits, which are really spiritual holes. Let’s talk about some of the traits that we might see in someone that is labeled as a codependent: 1) lack of boundaries in relationships 2) lack of identity 3) low self-esteem 4) lack of attention to self-love 5) selfless givers to a fault 6) over deliverers 7) perfectionism 8) self-sacrificers who always puts their needs last 9) Tend to ignore red flags in relationships; give people the benefit of the doubt despite huge red markers 10) often stay linked to non-reciprocal relationships 11) are often enablers of others 12) people pleasers (unbeknownst to them) 13) validation seekers (unbeknownst to them) 14) difficulty communicating their needs in relationships 15) often avoids confrontation to keep the peace in relationships 16) often have cognitive dissonance in relationships- have difficulty reconciling the good and the really bad traits present 17) hold many limiting beliefs 18) lack of focus on their own needs and well being. Now there may be a few that I missed.

This is a mouthful I know, but I want you to take a moment and begin to look at all of these issues with a spiritual lens.  I want to be clear that I believe the information out there on codependency is helpful. It can most certainly be helpful to you and I would even recommend that you get familiar with it and get some insight from the many resources out there. But friends, I want you to be absolutely vigilant to understand the spiritual nature of these issues from God’s lens.

The Lord has been sharing with me over the course of a few years that these issues are linked to roots in timidity, lack of boldness in your faith, unbelief, the fear of man, lack of fearing the Lord, lack of self-love from a biblical angle, and the lack of knowing God’s love for us which equates to a lack of intimacy with God. Deep spiritual roots include a lack of spiritual discernment, a lack of spiritual discerning of spirits, ignorance of the word, an unrenewed mind, lack of self-control, lack of Godly boundaries, lack of clarity of non-negotiable God values, lack of knowing our unique gifts and talents and a lack of our God identity to name a few.  I’m sure that I missed a few, but yes, friends. God weighs in on codependency. His word leads us to paths of righteousness which frees us from these invisible chains that have us bound in unhealthy unfruitful and sometimes dangerous relationships.  Jesus is our complete answer. You can best believe that the sixty-six books of the Bible have instructions and examples to help us through everyday problems like codependency. It is up to us to dig in.

Joseph’s story in the Bible is an interesting story about identity and truly how God will make room for our unique gifts and talents. His word shows how Joseph was brought before great men, not in the way most would like. Joseph’s gifts were recognized and valued in environments that were certainly uncomfortable. Nevertheless, the Lord trained him and allowed him to grow and flourish in odd spaces. His gifts and talents emerged and grew and Joseph was able to multiply, elevate and flourish tremendously in every environment that he was placed in except his original family unit. He was not only able to utilize his unique gifts and talents but his gifts and talents blessed him as well as the people around him.   

I would recommend that you read his story in Genesis chapters 37-50. I want to be clear; I am NOT calling Joseph a codependent. I use his story as an example of one who didn’t seem to have a clear grasp on his identity. Joseph looked for validation, he looked for support and acknowledgement of his unique God gifts in places that would seem to be safe. Joseph was unable to discern the spirits around him and did not see the red flags (behaviors) right in front of him that were ultimately dangerous to him and absolutely enemies of his destiny.

If you don’t know the story of Joseph, let me give you a quick recap. But I REPEAT, read it for YOURSELF. Friend, that is what disciples do; they study the word to show themselves approved. (2 Timothy 2:15) Joseph, a 17-year-old teenager had 11 brothers. He was a favored son. His father showed his delight in Joseph by giving him a beautiful coat of many colors. This favor was not well received by his brothers.  They were jealous of him and envied him. 

Joseph had a gift of dreams that he shared with his family. The dreams were not well received by his father or his brothers. In fact, the God given gift made the brothers hate Joseph even more. Joseph’s dreams indicated that he would rule over his family and eventually have rule over a wide region. Interestingly enough the family seemed to have the gift of interpretation, which is also a gifting from God.  They were able to interpret his dreams and were extremely angry at the meaning of them.  

The Bible tells us that the brothers mocked him, they didn’t want him around.  As Joseph went by the direction of his father to check on his brothers tending to his father’s flocks ; we see the brothers snidely say rude remarks before Joseph approaches them. “ Behold, this dreamer cometh; come now let us slay him and cast him in a pit; and we’ll say some evil beast has devoured him.” They devised a plan initially to murder him but decided to throw him in a pit, snatch his beautiful coat and eventually sell him for twenty pieces of silver to slave traders. These brothers didn’t want the father to know that they sold their own brother, so they lied to their father by presenting him with Joseph’s coat that was covered in goat’s blood.  They pretended that Joseph was killed by an animal! It is hard to Imagine such a wicked family.  But imagine it friends, because according to the Bible, there is nothing new under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 1:9)

Joseph was blindsided by family.  Joseph was probably unaware of how special his gifts were, but we see in this text that others often see your gifts, your potential before you do. We see in this text that jealousy and envy emerged. The jealousy and envy festered and led to a murder plan and eventually a plan to sell him into slavery for a few shekels. The Bible tells us that jealousy and envy are cruel as the grave.  ( Song of Solomon 8:6) This certainly proved to be true in this text. Truthfully, jealousy and envy are not easy to spot, especially in your own family.  Most wouldn’t suspect that their own family would devise such a treacherous scheme of betrayal. When you suspect or begin to see signs of jealousy and envy, resentment, mocking of your gifts, competitive, or signs that your gifts are being undermined; you’ve got a serious problem.  When you see people are trying to make things difficult for you because of your gifts, or try to block you, humiliate you, shun you, stop you or hinder you, you’ve got a serious problem. When you see that people are intolerant of your God given gifts and don’t want you around, you’ve got a problem. These sprits are attached to murder and are dangerous to you and your God ordained destiny.

These people are intolerant of your God stamp. Joseph did not know who he was, he didn’t know the gravity of his gifts, he hadn’t processed it yet. This dreaming came natural to him, it wasn’t something that he could turn off, it was a part of who he was and was part of his ordained destiny.  Joseph just didn’t know. He didn’t know how to steward the gift and understand that he couldn’t share it to everyone.  Can you blame him? Why wouldn’t you share what you were seeing and hearing from God with those that are closest to you?  Your family is your first introduction to the world. They are supposed to be a support, a safety for us. But in Joseph’s case, that was certainly not true. Friend, it may be true of you also.  The part to catch here is that enemies of your purpose will try to change your destiny. They didn’t even understand it. They wanted Joseph to be less than them, they wanted to change the outcome of his life. They made every human effort to strip him and humiliate him. The pit signified putting him in a low place where they could rise above him.

Others will see the value in your gifts and will allow your gifts to expand and benefit others. Your gifts will also benefit you when you are placed in environments that will make room for you. We see that this is true for Joseph. Joseph was sold to Potiphar, an officer of the Pharoah of Egypt’s guard.  While in Potiphar’s care, Joseph was elevated and he prospered. We are told that the Lord was with Joseph and Lord allowed everything he did prosper. (Genesis 39:2-4) Joseph was placed as the overseer of Potiphar’s house. The Bible also tells us that Joseph prospered, but also Potiphar prospered greatly because of Joseph. (Genesis 39:5)

Our Gifts and talents will be seen by others. In right environments our gifts will be used. Our gifts will allow us to flourish and prosper.  Multiplying flourishing and prospering are what God expects for us as his children.  We see this in scripture in multiple places.  In Genesis 1:28, the Bible tells us that God blessed Adam and Eve and told them to be fruitful, multiply and replenish the earth. Friends, we too are expected to be fruitful, multiply and replenish the earth. When we are in environments that hinder our ability to be fruitful, multiply and replenish; it is time to evaluate the environment and the people. Who would imagine that Joseph would flourish in what seemed to be an unfavorable situation.  The Lord was allowing Joseph’s gifts to grow and expand even in odd places. Joseph was multiplying and flourishing even in captivity!  Friends, nothing can stop the will of God.

Another place in scripture where we see  gifts and talents and the expectation of multiplication is in Matthew 25:14-30, the parable of the talents.  In this scripture we see that a man preparing to travel gives his property over to his servants to care for in his absence.  The Bible says that he gave one five talents, another two talents and another one talent.  The man gave them talents according to their ability.  Upon his return, each servant doubled what was given to them except the servant that was given one talent. This servant returned the same thing that was given.  In scripture we are told that the servants that multiplied their talents were praised as good and faithful servants. The servant that only returned what was given was afraid and didn’t even try to make use of what was given. This servant was called slothful and wicked.  Friends, we are expected to steward wisely the gifts and talents that are given to us. We are to go and use them for the glory of the Lord. We are to multiply what is given and flourish wherever we are.

Joseph was finally in a place, where he could grow and expand and be used to bless and be blessed.  After a time, the situation with Potiphar turned sour. Joseph was wrongly accused of trying to sleep with Potiphar’s wife.  This landed him in a prison where the Pharoah’s prisoners were held.  As you might have guessed, Jospeh flourished in this environment too. Keep in mind that neither environment was one that Joseph chose, in fact who would choose to be a slave? Who would choose to be a prisoner?  Joseph was fruitful in every place he landed and in each place his gifts and talents were recognized and used greatly.

In prison, Jospeh’s leadership/administration skills were expanded yet again. He was placed in charge of two prisoners who were formerly pharaoh’s officials. These prisoners had dreams and Joseph was able to interpret the dreams accurately.  It was here that Joseph openly spoke that interpretation of dreams are from God. It is here that we see Joseph recognizes his gift is God given. He also chooses to use his gifting to help others.   One of the prisoners was released to go and continue work for the Pharoah while the other was killed. 

Two years later, Pharoah had dreams that no one was able to interpret. He sought the magicians and the wise men, but they were unable to give him clarity.  It is here that the chief butler recalled how Joseph accurately interpreted his dream while he was in prison.  Joseph was summoned by the pharaoh, interpreted the two dreams and was immediately promoted as second in command of Egypt. Not only did Joseph interpret the dreams, he gave the Pharoah the plan to handle the problem presented in the dream.  I hope you are seeing that Joseph was elevated and his gifts made room for him.  He was able to use his gifts to help save Egypt from famine but also the surrounding areas. His God gift blessed him by elevating him to second in command of all of Egypt, but it also protected and blessed the whole region.  Joseph knew his gift, he knew it was from God and he was willing to use it.  

Ironically enough, the very gift that was mocked by his family even blessed them. The brothers would eventually have to go to Joseph to obtain food during the famine.  Although they didn’t initially recognize him, Joseph chose to test their character multiple times before revealing himself to them.  Eventually, he revealed himself to them and even provided for them. The whole family eventually came to Egypt and was allowed to live in the prosperous place of Goshen.  They were provided for by the very one that they tried to destroy.

What can we learn from this text?  The Bible tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. ( Psalm 139:14) That word wonderfully in Strong’s concordance means, distinct, marked out, separated and distinguished.  Yes friend, that is you. God gave you a beautiful unique stamp, a God kiss if you will of gifts and talents that are to be used.  If my gifts and talents are a part of my identity, then it is my responsibility to not only accept the uniqueness that he placed in me but it is my responsibility to steward it and use it. It is my responsibility to not allow others to diminish it, or define it, or limit it, try to deter it, or distract or prevent me from using it to God’s glory.

We don’t negotiate who we are. We don’t look for validation when we have already been validated by God. We don’t negotiate with what God made wonderful in us. It is part of our DNA package, it’s like a fingerprint. It is unique to us. We are not robots; we are not all the same and even when God gives you gifts and talents we execute them in different ways. He may give two people the same gifts, but how they carry them out, execute and maneuver them are going to be unique because we are not robots! Things that come natural to you, you can’t suppress, nor should you. It would literally be suppressing you. You have to come to the place where you are so in tune with stewarding what the Lord has given you that you will not allow people or places to stop you from who you are designed to be and what you have been designed to do. We must never allow others to perpetuate the false idea that our unique God stamp is meaningless and worthless. That is a lie from the pit of hell.

Knowing your identity by your gifts and talents will immediately remove people from your life that choose to mock or tolerate you. Friends, we are not meant to be tolerated!  Those who just “tolerate” you are point blank enemies of your purpose. Please be clear, it doesn’t matter who it is.

What else can we learn? You may not always be safe in places that you feel you should be.  You must be in safe environments and around safe people to flourish. There was no validation for Joseph in his home with his family. There was no room for his God stamp, his God gifts and talents, no room for his God blueprint. There was no acceptance of who he was; there was no safety. In fact, severe rejection and abandonment were part of his family dynamic. He was not honored in his home.  In Mark 6:4 it tells us that a prophet is treated with honor everywhere except at his own home amongst his own relatives. Now Joseph may not have been a prophet, but he certainly had strong prophetic gifts. His prophetic/leadership gifts were meant to be used and expanded in government.

Truth is we all have one life to live. One life to multiply what God has given us. If spaces do not make room for who God created us to be, maybe we shouldn’t be showing up in those spaces. Showing up in those spaces ensures that we are capped, limited and thwarted. If we allow ourselves to remain with people and in environments where we are not welcomed or valued, growth will not and cannot occur.  We will find ourselves in wrestling matches that we have no business being a part of.

What else? We can not bend and buckle to make others comfortable with who we are. We can not adjust who we are in Christ. When we find ourselves tiptoeing around others, bending and buckling, trying to fit in, dimming our lights we are doing a disservice to our God.  We can’t try to become friends of the world, those who are at odds with God by their very actions. The Bibles says that those who are friends of the world are enemies of God. (James 4:4-8)

We also learn that all things work for our good when we love God and are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) It is tough to say, but it was a blessing for him to be thrown into the pit. The slavery and prison experiences placed him in places where he could grow and be used by God.

What can you do when you are found in relational problems? I’m talking about relational issues where folks try to block, hinder, harm, diminish, lower, or are jealous of your gifts and talents. No matter where that is, whether it's family, whether it's workplace, whether it's friend groups, no matter where it is, what can you do if you find yourself in a place where you're not valued?

What can you do when you find yourself in a place where you're trying to validate your uniqueness before others? (which you should never be doing by the way) The answer friend is to detach. And this is an answer that the codependent communities offer. They say to detach.

The concept of detachment is really Biblical advice. You have a choice to stay or leave situations that are not healthy, dangerous, dishonoring, demeaning, humiliating, lacking chances for growth. You have choices. The choice, please understand can have an effect on your destiny. Sometimes it is us.  Are we allowing our kingdom growth to be hindered by staying in connection to what refuses to allow us to grow? 

These are co-dependent questions that we must answer. And the answer is in connecting with the Lord to show you your unique talents and gifts that are to be used for His glory. The answer is finding out how He wants you to use these gifts and talents for His glory. And the answer is learning to embrace your unique gifts and talents. The answer is also in finding out who is the enemy to your unique gifts and talents? Is it your family? Is it your job? Is it your friend circle? Only you can determine this with the help of the Holy Spirit.

Friends, there's joy in moving in who God called you to be. And you want to be around people who support who God called you to be. There is not only a benefit for you, but there's a benefit for those around you, who choose to make room for who God called you to be. Your gifts are meant to help you and others. Joseph, when separated from the enemies of his purpose and the enemies of his gifts and talents, flourished. Joseph was able to fine tune by God's grace his gifts and was able to elevate in his gifts on each difficult leg of his journey.

Remember I told you that the Lord has been taking me on this journey with the Biblical lens, right? Let me put some Bible on it here for you. If the Bible tells us that jealousy and envy are cruel as the grave. (Song of Solomon 8: 6 -7) If anything is as cruel as the grave, you are going to need to detach from that, right? Psalm 1:1 says that blessed is the one who does not walk with the wicked or stand in the way of sinners, or sit in the company mockers; Detach! the Bible tells us to detach.  Proverbs 9:7 -8 says correct a mocker and get insulted. The mocker will hate you.  So how are you going to correct somebody that's insulting you?  You can’t. You are going to have to detach.

Proverbs 22: 10 tells us to drive out the mocker and strife will go away and fights and insults are ended. Detach. Proverbs 22:24 - 25 says, make no friendships with angry men or with a furious man. Thou shall not go, lest thou learn his ways and get a snare to thy soul. Joseph’s family members were angry. Detach. These are Biblical examples of what the Lord tells us to stay away from and detach from. However, it is up to us to choose.

Joseph was discarded. But we don’t have to wait to be discarded by those who refuse to honor or recognize who we are. We can detach. Joseph’s discard could have ended badly, but by the grace of God He turned the ashes of Joseph’s life into beauty. (Isaiah 61:3) Remember, you only have one life to live. Don’t waste it. God kissed you, allow yourself to be a blessing for his kingdom. Value yourself, be confident in yourself and what God gave you.

Being confident is not displaying arrogance or haughtiness. It is being authentic and secure in who you are. It is being sure, uncompromising and definite about how you show up and not accepting blatant disrespect by those around you, no matter what title they hold in your life.  Knowing what your value is and how that value can benefit your spaces is paramount. We must walk in spaces knowing that we are kingdom assets ; assets that will enlarge and enhance every space.   Also know that if others don’t see your value, it is time to move to an environment or space that does. Those that don’t see or choose not to see your value will treat you as common. Remember, oftentimes others will see your value even before you do.

Ask the Lord to give you the discerning of spirits to be able to determine the spirits that are operating around you.  Remember to test every spirit, even family, friends, workplaces, acquaintances, church groups. Test them all!

You may see traits of codependency in your life, but all things that have you bound can be broken by the precious blood of Jesus Christ. It is up to us to study to find out what the word of God reveals about life’s issues. We have a holy book that gives us Godly instruction.

Questions to ask yourself.

• Am I able to multiply in this space?
• Am I being hindered in this space?
• Is jealousy part of my environment/people?
• Is envy part of my environment/people?
• Am I being mocked because of who I am and what I am good at?
• Am I being rejected or shunned?
• Am I being made to feel less than?
• Have I evaluated my environment?
• Have I evaluated the people?
• Have I looked at close relationships?
• Is there room for my God stamp here?
• Am I secure in my Godly identity?
• Do I know my unique gifts and talents?
• Am I flourishing and multiplying?

Friend none of this will work for you if you have not accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior. Remember the Bible is clear that there is no relationship with the Father except through his son Jesus. (John 14:6)    Your first move is to do that and then repent and confess your sins. This is the place where he cleanses you and forgives you of all unrighteousness.  Welcome to the family.  Please know that this is just the beginning.  You must begin your journey as a disciple. Your growth journey is just starting.

Here at SHES DISCIPLED, we are committed to discipleship. Our mission is to empower women trying to Break The Pact by renewing their minds in the word of God. I hope that you gained some insight today about identity.

If you are trying to Break the Pact, consider joining our waitlist for our upcoming disciple program. We will send you notification of the beginning of the next yearly disciple cohort. Our disciple programs specifically deal with elements of Breaking the Pact. Each module is designed to empower you as a disciple to walk a journey that is free in Christ Jesus. Our Premier program offers community, recorded video studies, weekly meetups to discuss the weeks content and workbooks. We have monthly prayer nights and quarterly group coaching. We have success accountability nights to help you stay committed to your God goals.  There are 12 modules in the years program. Each module contains 4 lessons. These are the module titles: He Loves Me; Repentance-Forgiveness-Reconciliation; Open Doors, Windows & Cracks to the Enemy; Cracks in My Foundation; Prayer and Fasting; Identity Power and Authority, Spirits that are Battling You; Spiritual Warfare; Covenants, Altars & Blessings; Relationships God’s Way; New Spiritual Habits/Routines for a Disciple; Painting New Landscapes.

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