Have you ever wondered why saying no is a problem for you? No is a super word in my opinion.  Blueberries are a superfood; they have amazing health benefits for our bodies. I submit to you today that the super word NO has amazing health benefits for our mental health. Remember, I am not a therapist, psychologist, licensed counselor, or medical professional. What I do have is my life experience of saying yes far too often.  Or better yet silently saying yes, has often been to my detriment. No was difficult for me and came with a pause, not a period. Does that story sound familiar?

I often wondered where my hesitancy with using the word no came from. Honestly, for the longest time, I never really realized that using the word came with great reluctance. I realize that maybe some of it stems from culture, family systems, and even religion. Saying no when someone needs you is not being “Christian-like” or “ladylike” or even “team- like in a place of employment.  Frankly, it’s easy to say no to blatantly disrespectful speech or conduct. The no that I’m talking about comes with choosing you last and putting everyone else’s needs first. This takes away your voice, your truth.   This no says yes to everything and everyone else but you. Have you ever wondered, why didn’t I complete this project or finish that goal?  Maybe it is because you have been at the beck and call of everyone else and not yourself.

The root of this I believe came from my inability to tell a father no that sexually abused me. It caused me to walk on eggshells attempting to please so that I could avoid harm.  This eggshell effect seeped over into adulthood. I realized that I avoided saying no in many instances. Until I realized that saying no often sent people into an angry tailspin. They were used to me putting myself second, they were comfortable with me supporting their purposes, and their agendas. I didn’t realize that I needed to uncover, recover and discover my own purpose in God. I needed to find my no and find my yes to me and my yes to God. This inability to say no revealed that I had an unhealthy fear of man. Sometimes this inability to say no came in the way of a quiet yes.  I’m a natural helper, healer, supporter, and helpmeet. I just naturally jump in, but it was time for me to jump out and look at why yes or even silent yes came so easily and why no came with great difficulty. It is interesting how my inability to say no turned into a middle ground for me.

I noticed that a yes could be silent. That middle ground came as a silent yes. A yes can be you going silently along without making objections. I never really saw silence as agreement, but God revealed to me that silence can very well be agreement. He brought me to 1 Kings 21 the story of Ahab and Jezebel stealing a vineyard from Naboth. The text is disturbing in many ways, Naboth who owned a vineyard was asked by Ahab, King of Israel if he would sell him the vineyard so that Ahab could grow a vegetable garden. The vineyard was next to his property. Naboth told Ahab no because it was an inheritance to him, there was no price that Ahab could pay.

This didn’t sit well with Ahab, essentially, he went away moping and threw an adult temper tantrum because he was told no. His wife, Jezebel heard the story and told him not to worry because she would get the vineyard for him. Ultimately, Jezebel crafted a lying scheme that involved others to lie about Naboth to get his property. The scheme resulted in them stoning Naboth and taking possession of the property. The no sent them into an evil tailspin.

We can find silent yeses and distinct no’s in this text. No’s and yeses are boundaries. The no means the fence is closed, don’t go past here and the yes means the gate is open, proceed freely. Good for Naboth, he was clear from the beginning that his property was not up for sale, and it wasn’t negotiable. His no was firm and direct, Naboth set a clear boundary and he set it quickly. Evil people don’t like boundaries. If they are evil enough, they will go to great lengths to get what they want and disregard your no, in this case, it went as far as murder.

The silent yes came about with Ahab. Ahab was upset that Naboth told him no. When Jezebel came and told him she would acquire the vineyard for him, he didn’t object. There are so many hidden nuances here. Now understand the text doesn’t tell us many things about Ahab from henceforth, but it shows us how Jezebel operates.  Ahab her husband knew her evil tactics I’m sure from previous situations. No one just suddenly comes up with a quick shrewd plan like this without having operated in this sleazy manner previously. However, Ahab was silent, he allowed Jezebel to do whatever she wanted. Ultimately, he looked the other way so that he could get what he wanted. He gave a silent yes, this yes made him fall into agreement with Jezebel’s plan. What did he fall into agreement with? He agreed with forgery, lying, conspiring, false witnesses, slander, extortion, and murder.

God confirmed this in his response to Ahab. God sent Elijah to Ahab to rebuke him for the action. God doesn’t miss anything, notice he didn’t approach Jezebel, he approached Ahab, the man. This pattern is similar to what we find in Eden with Adam and Eve. Eve was the one who made the deal with the devil and Adam just gave a silent yes. God did not approach Eve, his rebuke came directly to Adam. God was clear, he didn’t like the silent yes. He saw the silence as an agreement in both cases. In fact, in Ahab’s case, God saw it as selling himself to work evil in the sight of the Lord. (1 Kings 21:20)  Adam and Eve lost fellowship with God, Ahab’s descendants were doomed and Jezebel’s fate was to be eaten by dogs. No one slips past God’s righteous judgment.

My silent yes was not pleasing to God, even when I didn’t know what the silent yes was for, it was agreement. As a child, we didn’t have any choice, right? We didn’t have a voice, we couldn’t say no, a silent yes was forced. We fall into these silent yesses into adulthood too not realizing that God wants us to regain control. God doesn’t want us to “fall” into anything.  He wants us to be firm, making our yes be yes and our no be no, anything else is from the evil one. (Matthew 5:37) God expects that we take dominion and subdue, it is the authority given to us. ( Genesis 1:28) Silent yesses fall into a gray space. They give the enemy authority, we relinquish the authority that he has given us to the enemy, and trust me when the enemy has our agreement, it is tough to regain our no back. When he gains territory, he will fight you tooth and nail to keep the territory.  Oh, but regaining territory can be done!  God doesn’t want us to fall into gray spaces when he has given us power and authority. I realized that my silent yes was a learned response that I had to unlearn. I couldn’t silently say yes to anything anymore.  I realized that my silent yes came from a fear of man. I feared my own father, not outwardly, but inwardly. It caused me to fear men at large. It mattered not where it came from, it was not pleasing to God. Not only was I dishonoring God, but I was also dishonoring myself and who God said I was. I had to unlearn that this demonic infiltration came in with the abuse.  He said I had power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7) 

Silently saying yes was giving away my God-given power. I wasn’t a child anymore. I couldn’t silently cry it away. I couldn’t silently hope that my quiet would turn out for good. I had to begin to learn to recapture that no like Naboth, like Jesus, like Nehemiah, like Daniel.  Yes, Naboth’s no cost him his life. But it was pleasing to God. Jesus’ no to the Pharisees and the religious community cost him his life. But he gave it willingly, it was part of the plan. Nehemiah’s no, allowed him to rebuild the wall in 52 days. Daniel’s no caused a king to honor Daniel’s God publicly.

I don’t know what my no will do, nor yours, but I don’t know about you, it is time to squash the silent yes and discover no, maybe for the first time. Pray and consider carefully what we agree with, let us not “fall” into agreement with anything. Let our yes be yes and our no be no. Let’s learn how to recapture what was stolen from us in childhood. We are not silent yessers, the devil is a liar. ( I know, I made up a new word) It is not who God created us to be. Growing up in toxic abusive environments teaches us to give away our God-given authority. Let’s begin to take the time to learn where we say yes silently, let’s begin to say no to Satan and our past learned behaviors, and yes to the new that God is teaching us in this hour. Let’s stop trying to be “fake good Christian women” or “ladylike.” I’m more concerned about pleasing God and being a God-fearing woman.  Firmness is being a non-apologetic woman of God, firmness is saying no, absolutely no. Firmness to a solid Godly man is attractive, firmness to solid, Godly people is noble. Firmness is Godlike. I am a single woman. God is not going to go to my husband to chastise, rebuke, and correct, he is coming directly to me. The Lord is my groomsman, and I am his bride. He is correcting me and helping me to unlearn the silent yes. He will help you too. Let’s recapture what we lost in those dark gray rooms in childhood. Let’s walk into the light.

What Can you do to reclaim your no? 

1) Submit to  the Lord and resist the enemy 

2) Repent and invite the Holy Spirit In

3) Ask to be repaired and renewed

4) Seek deliverance if necessary

5) Speak the word aloud; align with the truth

6) Put your attention on the things of God

7) Put on your spiritual armor daily (Ephesians 6) (worship, praise, prayer, warfare)

8) Join a like minded community that will support & help you

9) Speak and enforce your no

10) Be sure you are free from sin & evil connections

11) Replace every lie with God's truth

My journey was filled with sexual sin, occult, secret societies, new age influences, witchcraft, high control groups, childhood sexual abuse, and toxic relationships. I was reared and rooted in church and my relationships were “church folk”.  I hope you catch what I am saying. I couldn’t find one whole program that really addressed it all. I couldn’t find any community, church, or otherwise to talk this stuff through explicitly. Witchcraft is spiritual; a therapist didn’t seem to be the answer.  Occult, witchcraft, new age, and high control group demons are stubborn, and I didn’t understand what I had been connected with and influenced by nor how to fight it. It was the worst kind of spiritual war.  The average Sunday sermon and Wednesday night Bible study were not cutting it.  I soon realized that many church leaders are connected to occult groups. He that has an ear, let him hear. Satan’s kingdom is not divided, it will not tell you how to fight against his own kingdom. Catch that in the Spirit. God told me to document my journey so that I could be a resource for others.  So, guess what? I created what I didn’t see with God. The program came from the throne room. 

If you desire to know God in a deeper way and are trying to break free from secret sexual sin, toxic relationships, the adult effects of childhood abuse, and breaking free from the occult, witchcraft, new age, high control communities. Then come join me and be discipled. Reconnect with God, and learn true intimacy, learn how to fight this unseen enemy.  Join me in my Premier Mentorship/Discipleship group.  It is a year discipleship program where we have weekly recorded studies, meet weekly to discuss homework and spiritual work, share our successes, give each other accountability, share prayers for our specific issues, success nights, group coaching, and deliverance.  The program is designed to focus on discipleship helping you to build your faith, learn the word, discuss topics that the church just doesn’t touch, learn to live a Christ-centered life, and truly help you get back on course with Christ. If you’d like to join the waitlist to apply for the next cohort, go to:

https://www.shesdiscipled.com/premier-discipleship-waitlist

We cover the following in the Disciple Mentorship Group

***BUILDING YOUR FAITH IN THE WORD

1) Discovering the God who sees you & loves you

• learning about the God who loves through difficulty

2) 2 Kingdoms – Your Armor

• learning how to fight the enemy

3)  Discover your Open doors, cracks, and windows

• Sin, ancestral curses, wounds/trauma, Occult/Witchcraft/ New Age/ High- Control groups

4) Learn about the Spirits that are in operation in Satan’s Kingdom of Bondage

• Spirit of Jezebel, Delilah, Caine, fear…. and much more

5) Healing & Deliverance Sessions

• By zoom or conference call

6) Discover your Power & Authority in Christ

• Know your rights & what has been given to you by God to take authority over

7) Unveil Satan’s lies & stand on the Truth of God

• Find the lies that you’ve been believing & replace them with the truth

8)  Find Cracks in your foundation

• Beliefs- words- actions

9)  Learn new spiritual diets

• Word- Worship- Fast- Pray

10) Find your new identity in Christ

• Who does God say I am?

11)  Covenants

• Illegal Altars/ Covenants

12) Relationships God’s way

• Find out what God says about good healthy relationships

13) Resiliency

• Never giving up ; pressing toward the mark

14) Wholistic Life

• Living life in balance

15)  Painting a New Landscape

• What do you see? All things are possible to them that believe.
• Planning forward

If you would like to join our podcast community, go to:

https://www.shesdiscipled.com/podcasts/shes-discipled-llc-podcast

If you would like to read more of our blogs, go to:

https://www.shesdiscipled.com/blog

What have you given a silent yes to?